How many Charismatics does it take to change a light bulb?
One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.
Calvinists?
None. God has predestined when the light will be on. Calvinists do not change
light bulbs. They simply read the instructions and pray that the bulb will be
one that has been chosen to be changed.
Arminians?
The question is not how many it takes to change the bulb, but whether or not
the bulb wants to be changed...
Baptists and/or Brethren?
"Change???!!!!"
Neo-orthodox?
No one knows. They can't tell the difference between light and darkness.
TV evangelists?
One. But for the message of light to continue, send in your donation today.
Independent Fundamentalists?
Only one, because any more might result in too much cooperation.
Liberals?
At least ten, as they need to hold a debate on whether or not the light bulb
exists. Even if they can agree upon the existence of the light bulb, they
still might not change it, to keep from alienating those who might use other
forms of light.
Catholics?
None. They always use candles.
youth pastors?
Youth pastors aren't around long enough for a light bulb to burn out.
Evangelicals?
Evangelicals do not change light bulbs. They simply read out the instructions
and hope the light bulb will decide to change itself.
Atheists?
One. But they are still in darkness.
campfire worship leaders?
One. But soon all those around can warm up to its glowing.
charismatics?
Three, one to cast it out and two to catch it when it falls!
charismatics?
Twenty one, one to change it, and twenty to share the experience!
conservative Anglicans?
Three. One to change it and two to storm out in protest if the person changing
it is a woman!
missionaries?
10. Five to determine how many can be changed by the year 2000, four to raise
the necessary funds, one to go find a national to do the job!
Southern Baptists?
109. Seven on the Light Bulb Task Force Sub-committee, who report to the 12 on
the Light Bulb Task Force, appointed by the 15 on the Trustee Board. Their
recommendation is reviewed by the Finance Executive Committee of 5, who place
it on the agenda of the 18 member Finance Committee. If they approve, they
bring a motion to the 27 Member church Board, who appoint another 12 member
review committee. If they recommend that the Church Board proceed, a
resolution is brought to the Congregational Business Meeting. They appoint
another 8 member review committee. If their report to the next Congregational
Business Meeting supports the changing of a light bulb, and the Congregation
votes in favor, the responsibility to carry out the light bulb change is
passed on to the Trustee Board, who in turn appoint a 7-member committee to
find the best price in new light bulbs. Their recommendation of which hardware
is the best buy must then be reviewed by the 23 member Ethics Committee to
make certain that this hardware store has no connection to Disneyland. They
report back to the Trustee Board who then commissions the Trustee in charge of
the Janitor to ask him to make the change. By then the janitor discovers that
one more light bulb has burned out.
Nazarenes?
4 ladies. One to carefully unscrew the bulb. One to wrap it carefully and
another to package it. The fourth to mail it to the mission field.
Members of an established Bible teaching church that's over 20 years
old?
One to actually change the bulb, and nine to say how much they liked the old
one.
United Methodists?
This statement was issued: "We choose not to comment either in favour of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey, you have
found that a light bulb works for you, that is fine. You are invited to write
a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your
light bulb (or light source, or non-dark resource), and present it next month
at our annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of
light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-
life, and tinted -- all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
Amish?
"What's a light bulb?"
