THE MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the
couch and leave it there all summer.
THE TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego bricks (or you may substitute roofing tacks).
Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk
to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at
night.
GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you
shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
THE DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making
sure that all the arms stay inside.
THE FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the
ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy
cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump
the contents of the jug on the floor.
THE NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand.
Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00p.m. begin to waltz and hum with the bag
until 9:00p.m. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00p.m.Get up, pick
up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen
more and sing these too until 4:00a.m. Set alarm for 5:00 a.m. Get up and make
breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
THE INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an
alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive
Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk
carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact
replica of the Eiffel Tower.
THE AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate icecream cone and put
it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a twenty cent piece. Stick it
into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip
cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of
the car. There ... perfect.
THE PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.
Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 8 of the beans. Leave it on for the
rest of your life.
THE PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest chemist. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to
help himself. Now proceed to the nearest supermarket. Go to the head office
and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase
a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.
THE FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can
improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's
table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they
should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will
be the last time you will have all the answers.
